PART 1
What Do Men Even Think?
This is something my girlfriends and I have asked each other over and over, especially after witnessing bizarre or confusing behavior from men. From their emotions to their anger, we’ve often found ourselves trying to make sense of the male psyche.
I know what it means to navigate the world as a woman today. But I can’t pretend to know what it’s like to be a man.
There are facts that reflect some of the struggles men face: they are more likely to die by suicide, less likely to perform well in school compared to girls, and have lower enrollment rates in higher education. They are also more likely to be incarcerated. At the same time, more men are engaging with incel communities, and we see young men are growing more conservative.
Gender stereotypes and norms harm all of us. While men are not inherently less emotional, they are often socialized to suppress their feelings, avoid vulnerability, and struggle to form deep emotional connections or ask for help.
So, I wanted to ask: what does it mean to be a young man in the 21st century?
I interviewed six men to hear their thoughts.
Let me be clear: these interviews are NOT representative. The selection was extremely biased—friends, acquaintances, or mutual followers whom I knew or believed would offer constructive, self-reflective insights on the topic.
I will not mention anyone’s sexuality or nationality unless they chose to share it themselves because it mattered to their point. All interviewees are in their early 20s and were born male.
Each interview should be considered individually. This is not a collective opinion piece—it’s a collection of personal perspectives. While there are some overlapping views (again, biased selection), the participants are not connected to each other in any way. Most of “I think” or “In my opinion” were removed for readability. It doesn’t mean that statements are factual. These are subjective opinions and are not representative of the broader male population (especially of Bocconi).
Additionally, I’ve only included small excerpts from much longer conversations. These are the parts I personally found most insightful or thought-provoking. Please don’t make assumptions about a person based on a few sentences.
I approached this project with the intention of understanding and objectivity. I ask you to read it with the same spirit—with openness and compassion.
All names and identifying details have been changed for anonymity.
A
friendship
A friend is someone you like hanging out with, but in a setting that’s not just confined to one space. For instance, technically it shouldn’t make sense that if I vibe with them in class, I wouldn’t vibe with them outside. But for me, it’s two different mental spaces.
A close friend is someone with whom I don’t have a ceiling. I have six or seven close friends. In school, my friends used to be almost exclusively women. Here at uni, it’s definitely more girls, but I do have guy friends. Out of the seven, there are two guys and like five girls.
I think it’s because women are more likely to talk about anything. Most male friendships are super one-dimensional—in the sense that I have a guy friend for this, a guy friend for that. The whole thing where guys hang out for years and don’t really ask basic personal questions. And I don’t mean to take away from that. There’s a beauty in those friendships. I have those friendships, and I think they’re beautiful.
But to find someone close, I need to be able to talk to them about anything, and most guys just don’t do that. It works for them. It doesn’t work for me. Which is why I’m more likely to have girl friends.
what is your definition of male friendship?
You know with girls, even if you don’t connect on some level, if we hang out multiple times, we could still become friends. I can tell when we have different vibes—and that’s not a bad thing. But with a guy, I feel like you have to match each other’s vibe. Because you don’t talk a lot. And if you do talk, it’s not really about anything specific. You need to match each other’s freakkin a guy friendship.
do you feel comfortable confronting your friends?
I’m very confrontational. I love confrontation. It’s great. It’s fun. I’ve lost so many friends because of confrontation. You are the average of the people you hang out with, right? I hold my friends to a very high moral standard. I think it’s important to keep your friends accountable for their actions.
on male and female friend groups
Friendship is like a network of, say, six people—each connection is a separate friendship. In a girl friendship group, I feel like all the connections meet at a hub, and then branch out again. So if one line gets severed, it affects the whole system.
But in a guy friendship group, it’s like a set of independent connections. If one gets cut, the others aren’t really affected.
From the few all-male friend groups I’ve been in, I’ve noticed that everyone just kind of does whatever the fuck they want. It’s never, “Guys, I did something,” it’s “Guys, I did this—do with it what you will.” Guys don’t necessarily forgive quickly, but they forget quickly.
In a girl group, if someone hooks up with a friend’s ex, it’s like, “Fuck, how could you do that?” And they’ll probably cut that friend off because the whole group holds her accountable.
But guys? And this actually happened in my group. One of my friends went after a girl that another friend had been obsessed with for over a year. The friend who felt betrayed cut him off. But the rest of us? We were just like, “That’s your own battle.”
on male loneliness
Female loneliness and male loneliness are not the same thing. I’m not a girl, so I can’t comment on female loneliness. But male loneliness, specifically—it’s like this whole self-damning thing. If I’m sad and lonely, I just assume everyone else must also be sad and lonely. So why would I bother them with my issues?
Even if they voice support—like, “Yeah, we’re here for you”—at the end of the day, everyone’s got their own stuff going on. I feel like girls are a little more selfless that way. Girls are willing to put something aside, sacrifice some level of their own sanity, to make sure their friend is doing okay.
as a bisexual man, are your relationship expectations the same across genders?
When I’m thinking about a relationship with a woman, I’m not really worried about whether she’ll be nice to me or not—because I know she will. But when I’m thinking about a relationship with a man, I’m a bit scared. They could really mess me up.
I’d be more wary of dating a man, just because I know they can do a lot more damage than a woman can.
what Is your opinion on traditional relationships?
I don’t agree with them. The whole idea of a gender-normative relationship kind of collapses once you’re in a same-sex relationship. Like—what even is the man? What even is the woman?
I don’t believe in the nuclear family. The only thing I want, traditionally, is a house and two kids. I’d like that for myself. But I don’t think everyone should want that.
would you be comfortable with your wife earning more than you?
I’ve thought about this. I so want to be the kind of guy who says, “Oh, I don’t care.” And I mostly don’t. But I know deep in my soul I’d feel a little emasculated. Not enough for it to cause an issue—but still. I’m not going to sit here and lie. It’s more about society than it is about me. But I’d just talk to my wife about it, process it, and move on. Like, “Okay, I love you.” And she’ll be like, “I love you.” And that’s it. We move on.
parental leave?
If she’s, say, a high-profile banker who can’t afford to take leave without it messing up her career, then I’ll take it. If it’s the reverse—where taking leave doesn’t really impact her long-term—then she’ll probably take it. I think it all depends on the position you’re in.
how do you deal with your emotions?
Punch walls all the time. Joke. I always talk about how I’m feeling. I’m always bitching and whining—because I literally cannot function otherwise. I’m always overthinking something, and if I keep it in my head, I’ll actually throw up.
do you feel your privilege?
I know [name redacted]—being a brown girl in this city, not even brown, just not white —in this city is fucking hell. You’re always being called something weird.
I’m lucky to be a man. A big man, at that. I can walk into an establishment, and people will think twice before doing something to me, because I’m bigger than a lot of them—especially in Italy.
are men alienated today?
I don’t think men are victims. What’s happening now is that men are finally being held accountable for what they’re doing—and what they’ve been doing. And they’re upset about it. For casual things too—like household chores. Or even stuff like me being given certain freedoms way before my sister. As a guy, you’re allowed to be ruder, more demanding, more selfish—and people are okay with that. But the moment a girl does those things, she’s vilified. That dynamic is changing now, and people are getting mad about it.
on heteronormativity
Here’s my thing: heterosexuality and heteronormativity are completely fine. There’s nothing wrong with a man loving a woman. I’m completely okay with that. But I think it becomes harmful when you expect other people to follow the same heteronormative standards that you do.
have you ever been constricted by gender norms?
Oh yeah. 100%. My sister bought this Nike backpack—it was hot pink. I was in my tenth year. It looked so good. I loved it. So I stole it from her and wore it to school. I’ll never forget this: I walked into my class of 30 boys, and they all looked at me in unison, saw the hot pink bag on my back, and went, “Eww!”
what do you think of incels?
It feels like a complicated issue. The whole idea of an “involuntary celibate” is stupid—because no one is actually involuntarily celibate. No one wants to fuck you, so you start hating the people who don’t want to fuck you.
I fundamentally believe that no one is unattractive. I will seek out someone’s beauty—any person—as long as I like their personality. I do not believe anyone is ugly.
I’ve seen the beauty in my friends’ eyes who aren’t considered conventionally attractive. I’ve seen the ugliness in the eyes of conventionally attractive people.
There’s a dude—on the edge of becoming an incel. If someone just took him aside and said, “Listen. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not lonely because you’re ugly. You just haven’t found the right person yet, or maybe you’re not being the best version of yourself yet,”—I feel like that conversation could change everything.
If that conversation happened to just one of those men, the incel community would be a lot smaller than it is now.
And that’s about guys holding guys accountable. Like, if one dude in that group chat said, “Hey, maybe don’t become an incel,”—maybe they all wouldn’t have turned into a missile.
on radicalism
I don’t think people would like to hear this: men becoming more conservative is definitely a big issue, but women becoming incredibly far-left or liberal is also an issue. I’m not saying we should all be centrists or whatever, but there’s a lack of discourse happening on both sides. That’s pushing people further and further apart. At the end of the day, we live in a society, and communication needs to be constructive rather than hateful.
I agree that a lot of men are disgusting—a lot of men are not being held accountable. But I feel a good chunk of women are becoming really unforgiving, to the point where it’s not helpful to anyone. Yes, hold people accountable, but also let them know why they’re being held accountable. If he’s a rapist or something, obviously he deserves no empathy. But not enough men are talking to enough women before both sides become fringe groups. And once you become a fringe group, you’re not talking to anyone except your own fringe group.
If you become a radicalized incel, conservative, MAGA hat-wearing man, no amount of communication is going to change that. Something life-altering has to happen for you to stop being that person. In the same way, becoming this super SJW (social justice warrior) type—hating everyone who doesn’t agree with you on every single thing, even personal opinions—that kind of fringe group is happening a lot among women.
I just feel like, before it gets to that point on either side, there needs to be some honest communication—before minds become fixed. We’re trying to build a community and stop being so polarized, so opposed to everyone—but we’re just not doing that. And that’s the thing.
I don’t know how to explain this without sounding like a conservative sympathizer, which I’m not. I hate this conservative wave. I’m not conservative at all, actually. But I see that so many people are just becoming unwilling to listen to each other. And I know I’ve been repeating myself, but the reason why more men are turning conservative is because there’s no conversation happening on either side. No one’s trying to actually talk to the other person. And even if they are talking, they’re not listening. They’re just trying to prove the other person wrong. It’s pushing everyone further apart. And it’s not helpful to anyone.
are you offended by “I hate men” rhetoric?
One thing people need to realize is that when someone says “I hate men,” they’re not some insane person. That’s coming from somewhere. They’re saying they hate men who do something to upset them. She’s not going up to every single man and saying, “You fucking suck.” That man probably did something to her to make her feel that way.
So no, I’m not upset when a girl says that.
The whole “Not all men, but always a man” thing—that came from somewhere real. I’m not upset when girls post stuff like, “I don’t feel safe around a man when I’m alone.” I get it. If I were a girl, I wouldn’t feel comfortable either. People are rational. Their feelings come from something that’s happened to them. And it’d be weird if I thought every single opinion someone had was personal to me.
Because it’s not. It’s never personal to me.
R
a friendship
To me, friendship is all about emotions. That is why the ones I’m friends with are the ones in touch with their emotional side.
Also, maybe I’m a bit of a pragmatic person; I think friendship is something that comes naturally. Something that we all need in our lives. Men are social animals, somebody would say. There is a biological need to be in groups.
But at the same time, on a more personal level, it’s something that I cannot live without. That is not something that men would say out loud normally, because men are supposed to be strong and independent and blah blah blah. But you see, men in real life are completely reliant on other people, especially relationships. In my opinion, it’s men relying on women for emotional support and day-to-day things. Men are about themselves in friendships. They want to show that they are the best in this, and that it’s more about the mere meaning of things.
When it comes to friends, I am definitely closer with more women. Out of my close friends, I would say 65% are girls and 35% are guys.
social conformity and men
It really, really, really matters. Actually, sometimes I think it is more acceptable for a woman to break free from the stereotypes. Women, after a lot of suffering, try to change things, while men are so comfortable in their position that when somebody breaks free [out of assigned norms], it’s something totally crazy. One of my best friends is a straight man, but when we were 13 or 14, just because he was not behaving in a way that society would describe as manly, people would say, “Oh my god, he’s gay. Look at him.”
are men more lonely nowadays?
I was researching a little bit for a class, and I do think that men tend to be very lonely, and they’re not loud about it. Of course, women feel lonely too, but they’re better at seeking help. Maybe it’s easier to find communities. Well, for men, when they feel lonely, it’s not socially acceptable to find help, you know? Men are supposed to solve things on their own. They do not really seek help because they see it as a weakness.
do men find it harder to form meaningful connections?
I wouldn’t say harder, but like in a different way. I am acquainted with a lot of straight men, and I see how they behave within their group of straight men. They’re more superficial, but that doesn’t mean that their connection is less meaningful for them. They make strong connections, but on a different wavelength.
did your culture influence your view on male-female relationships?
Not really, but I think culture really matters. Sometimes I do wonder, if I were not gay, what would I be like? Culture is very pervasive, and I especially come from the south of Italy.
are you comfortable with sharing your emotions?
I’m very introverted, so I find it hard to express my emotions in general. But I do think there’s also a bit of this manly idea. When I need to complain about something, sometimes I think, “Maybe I should not say this, because I would look a bit weak.” So even if I don’t think I behave that way daily, I think at least a part of this mentality is also my way of thinking.
“Boys don’t cry.”
I was living in two different environments. With my mom’s side, definitely yes. With my dad, I would say he’s an open-minded man. But he was very much rooted in gender stereotypes and stuff. So I say even though he’s open-minded regarding social things, culturally it was still very much backwards. I was not expressing my feelings with him. I was expressing sadness, but other more feminine-related feelings, definitely not with him.
Me: What would you define as feminine?
Like being more emotional. Not like crying, but like talking more about emotions or deeper things. I would definitely not express deep emotions with them.
on touchiness
With my girlfriends, I’m very touchy. But with a man, I would not be touchy.
Me: Is it because you’re gay, or is it just because you’re a man?
I think it goes both ways. Straight men, on average, tend to be less touchy, and I also feel less comfortable. With close straight boyfriends, I’m pretty much okay.
are men alienated today?
Rather than being alienated from political and social issues, they live in their own world. They are still in touch with what’s going on in the world, but in their own way. Once, I was reading this paper for a class. It said that actually, or at least in the US, older white men are the most informed demographic. But that doesn’t mean that they support mainstream opinions.
does success matter for men?
For me, success is about happiness, but for [average] men, yes. Society sees men as somebody who needs to achieve something in life in a very pragmatic way. Getting a good job, looking a certain way. I think that’s also why suicide rates among men are very high. It’s horrible for them.
do you feel restricted by gender norms?
Gender is so rooted in our culture, let’s say global culture. It cannot not affect you. I feel like in Milan, for example, when it comes to dressing, even for straight men it’s more acceptable to dress up. More feminine, more accessories, and stuff. What if I were to even wear this outfit back home? [cropped tee and jewelry] People would be like, “Oh my god, why would a man wear that?”
Do you feel uncomfortable when you see or hear hate towards men?
It should be normal for minorities to claim their spots. Women have always been treated as a political and social minority. So it should be the bare minimum for them to reclaim their space in society. I do understand why men feel threatened, not that I justify them, but I understand in their minds they see their power being eroded and stuff. But I don’t really feel any bad feelings toward women.
K
friendship
True friendship is something that can be tested by time. You’re not feeling absent from their life even though you don’t talk as frequently anymore. Other people are just acquaintances. I’m happy to see them, but it’s not a regular occasion.
Probably there are more males, but I have a lot of girl friends. Split is like 60–40.
on forming friendships back home
In Kazakhstan, when I’m seeing some guy, I have to be much more selective because usually our views do not coincide. It’s much easier to strike a meaningful conversation with the girl rather than the boy. If I go to my relatives’ gathering, honestly, I prefer to talk to my girl cousins than boy cousins.
on gender norms
In society, we always divide things between feminine and masculine. Even in the basic upbringing. For instance, a year or two ago, I went to a store with my mom and we were buying presents for our small niece. The first thing my mom did was go to the dolls section. I asked my mom, why do you automatically go to this section? Why do you precondition her interests? Why don’t we buy some, I don’t know, constructors, Legos or something. It’s everywhere; it starts from the childhood. Parents, in general, play more rough with boys. And they teach them to be strong. This further propagates throughout their lives.
on emotional expression
There are different levels. I’m open with my girlfriend. I tell her about all that I am feeling. With two of my besties, I tell them almost everything.
I’m just not good at verbalizing my emotions. But for me, the main outlet is my girlfriend and friends. I don’t usually push them out. I don’t run away to bottle up my emotions. To be totally fair, I’m not comfortable, but I force myself to share. Because it’s best if you talk things out right away. Otherwise, it’s gonna cascade.
do you adhere to gender norms?
When I was a teenager in Kazakhstan maybe, but now I don’t.
It mattered to me because I was surrounded by that environment, very heteronormative, gender normative. I was taking it as a given, I wasn’t asking big questions. I was like, okay, you’re not supposed to do this, or this is not men-like.
what do you wish to change about the gender equality conversation?
I read an article discussing a very loud minority and a very silent, ignorant majority of people. I think it also pertains to this case [gender equality] as well. The only thing that is necessary is just educating people.
In my case, I was mostly educated by women in my life. They taught me by pinpointing things in my behavior.
To this day I remember, we were talking about some prominent figure. My friends and I were always referring to them with the pronoun “he.” After the whole discussion, my female bestie said, “Do you guys notice, like, throughout the whole discussion, both of you assumed that it was a male?”
Damn, I did. Was it not specified? We had to look up the papers. Nowhere was it said that they were “he.”
And there were a lot of moments like this, not just about pronouns, just in general. For example, there were moments when a teacher would be more inclined to listen to boys instead of girls. When such things are brought to our attention, we become aware of them.