PART 2
Let me be clear: these interviews are NOT representative. The selection was extremely biased—friends, acquaintances, or mutual followers whom I knew or believed would offer constructive, self-reflective insights on the topic.
I will not mention anyone’s sexuality or nationality unless they chose to share it themselves because it mattered to their point. All interviewees are in their early 20s and were born male.
Each interview should be considered individually. This is not a collective opinion piece—it’s a collection of personal perspectives. While there are some overlapping views (again, biased selection), the participants are not connected to each other in any way. Most of “I think” or “In my opinion” were removed for readability. It doesn’t mean that statements are factual. These are subjective opinions and are not representative of the broader male population (especially of Bocconi).
Additionally, I’ve only included small excerpts from much longer conversations. These are the parts I personally found most insightful or thought-provoking. Please don’t make assumptions about a person based on a few sentences.
I approached this project with the intention of understanding and objectivity. I ask you to read it with the same spirit—with openness and compassion.
All names and identifying details have been changed for anonymity.
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friendship
I don’t give it much depth. I think anyone who you can spend some time with that you enjoy can be your friend. Of course, as the things that I enjoy doing with them grow more, my friendship also goes deeper. By my definition, close friends will mean people that I can do a lot of things with. I would say there are like 10 to 15 people. A close friend is someone with whom you could share your life views, your emotions, etc. I think more than half are male. Right now the friend group that I have in my dorm is all girls. I always find myself better at communicating with girls than men.
on stereotypical male friendship
I think that stereotypical friendship is very much true. Most male friendships are like that, which I avoid. That’s the primary reason that I am better at connecting with girls than men. But also I have my very close male friends group. It’s not impossible to talk deeply with a male friend, like sitting down and talking about our emotions, what we think of life, and what we want to do. It kind of feels like that’s the very long phase of male friendship before it gets deep.
do you feel men find it harder to form meaningful relationships?
Yeah, I mean—there are a lot of ugly men out there. And I don’t just mean looks. I’m sure you don’t want me to speak completely statistically, but I’d say men are more likely to be friendless. The thing is, I’m not sure they actually mind.
For most men, it seems okay not to have close friends—because they can meet some of their needs elsewhere. But women? I think there are certain emotional needs—like sharing your thoughts, emotions, opinions—that can only really be met through a genuine connection with another person. And that seems way more important for women than for men.
I don’t really know. When I look at a lot of men, there’s just nothing there. Or even if there is something, they don’t recognize it. Most men don’t even know if they have something they need to share. They don’t check in with themselves that way.
They do need to—but they don’t know they need to.
on romantic standards as a bisexual man
I have never considered a romantic long-term relationship with a man yet. But I think the [relationship] criteria would be similar [for both genders].
The issue is that it’s hard to go above that line with a man when I’m not trying to get above that line with any man. Even friendship-wise.
I have close to ten male friends that I like. And I think there are about fifteen types of men, maximum.
When I meet someone new, I just kind of feel like they are one of the people that I’m close with. This doesn’t give me the motivation to keep pursuing a relationship with them. It’s hard to emotionally connect.
I think that culturally, gay relationships have a much more sexual approach than any relationship between a woman and a man.
I’m not saying I haven’t seen any men emotionally connected to each other. But I think it’s harder.
would you be comfortable with your wife earning more than you? And would you be willing to take parental leave?
Hard question. Because the premise of the question is that I am in a very straight marriage.
I don’t know. It might make me uncomfortable that my wife is earning more than me because, first, I will be in a straight-coded mindset. Second, because I’m kind of uncomfortable with anyone being better than me. So that’s personal.
Even in my friendships, I really like to provide and support. That kind of masculine personality trait.
But parental leave, for sure.
do you think men are alienated in this world?
I think it’s actually very, very easy not to feel alienated in today’s world. We have so much inclusivity, so many platforms where people can express themselves—and that includes even people with questionable or harmful views. Social media, online communitie. If you take a historical perspective, it’s never been easier to find others who think like you or share your worldview. So when people claim they feel alienated in this world? Honestly, that feels like a skill issue.
on emotions
I keep a lot of things to myself. I can open up to my friends a lot. But mostly it will be in a very male-centric approach, aka, I will only open up to them as long as I want their advice and guidance. So the very stereotypical thing.
Even now, if I had the same kind of a breakdown, something like that happened, I would cry by myself. I wouldn’t cry in front of my friends.
When I am angry, I blame myself. In the sense that I should have seen that coming and I should have done something, but I didn’t. So I have the responsibility, so I don’t have a right to be angry.
as a child, were you allowed to express emotions, especially such as sadness? (Referring to the “boys don’t cry” stereotype)
Not directly.
Me: You were not directly allowed to?
Probably. It’s not that my parents told me I cannot share my emotions. It’s that the place and the atmosphere I grew up in made me think that I didn’t have the right to do it.
Me: Is it cultural?
Probably.
do gender norms hurt you?
They do hurt me.
A world that’s completely eroded from gender normativity would be a very nice place.
But at the same time, in our world [real world], where I am in between the pressure from society and being free in a little space that is devoid of gender normativity, I prefer to satisfy those standards. Even if, deep down, I don’t want to.
Maybe it comes from the need for approval. I don’t know.
For example, let’s say, hypothetically, I would want to dye my hair. But if I dye my hair, I will be taken less seriously in the places that I go.
So it comes more from rationality and the comfort of falling into the norms.
I am fine with being seen as divergent in my opinions, my thoughts, or my emotions. But I don’t want people to look at me and immediately think that I would be very different from others or that they need to act differently around me.
on self-understanding
I think men grow up with very few—very few—things to do. That will sound kind of insane. But until I was like 13–14, I don’t remember doing anything.* I was confused.
For example, I didn’t pick my own clothes until 12–13. And when I was 12–13, I started to pick my own clothes not because I saw adults dressing well and thought I should dress well as well. It just became adolescence, and I formed a very normal anger toward my mom and my family for going against their rules.
So instead of focusing on yourself or focusing on who you are, you just follow orders.
Most men keep doing it until they’re forced out of it.
Me: So you think it’s a common thing?
Yes. The world is full of men that never pick their own clothes.
From mom it turns to wife, and there is nothing in between.
When you’re not even forced to think about how you dress, you don’t have any motivation to think about forming deep connections with others.
How do you feel about hate towards men? Should there be more cooperation on gender equality?
Women already face a lot of problems in the world. Not only women, but all oppressed groups.
Since they’re already oppressed, they instinctively prefer to have a safe space.
A more general approach would be asking women to work with us [men], even if we are oppressing them. Like: “You need to think of society more than yourself.”
Cooperation should be the approach if you want an equal society.
But we cannot force women or any other oppressed groups to do it. That’s a hard thing to ask of a whole demographic.
I think it’s the government that needs to take the responsibility.
Of course, a less radical approach should come when it comes to equality.
Not even a radical approach, but more built on empathy, understanding, welcomeness, etc.
Empathy is the key.
D
friendships
It’s just a bond that you have with somebody that doesn’t weigh on one of you in any way. Ultimately, one has to also recognize that not all friendships are the same. You can’t expect certain things out of people. You have to recognize that you find yourself in different contexts with different people. It sounds kind of like a code-switching thing.
Lack of toxicity is necessary. I don’t think that’s a very productive friendship to have if you judge all the time.
I probably have five that are actually close [friends]. I would go and talk to them about very urgent or personal matters. Mostly, my friends are guys. Maybe that’s because of the circles that I’ve just become accustomed to. I also have plenty of female friends as well.
on peer pressure
I agree with the idea that groupthink is very much prevalent in guys’ friendships.
If you’re in a group and somebody says, “I don’t feel like it,” there will be a lot more peer pressure. You have to cave in. I feel when I’m around a more mixed friend group and somebody says, “No,” the rest will be much more understanding.
When you’re a guy in a guy group, they’re like, “What the fuck are you talking about? Come on. Don’t bail.”
are men more lonely nowadays?
Yes, I do think that men are more lonely, but that’s something that’s driven from men themselves. I think it’s due to society changing—where it’s less patriarchal. It’s still very patriarchal, but a lot less than before. A lot of men grow up being told they have to be that [masculine ideal], and if they’re not that, then they’re not successful. It creates toxicity. It spirals. They deal with problems that a lot of people deal with, but they don’t understand that. Instead of going to therapy, for instance, they blame societal factors that don’t involve them directly.
I believe the key is the circle you’re surrounded by. A lot of men will be surrounded by other men of their kind; it’s superficial a lot of times. They’re not going to tell you the truth. They’ll just be like, “Yeah, bro. That’s right. Fuck them.”
You already feel like a failure. You don’t realize that you can change yourself. You go down this spiral of being lonely and blaming all the problems on other people.
Before my junior year of high school, I was completely uneducated on anything political. I did not care. I thought it was a waste of time. Like, who cares who the president is? Nothing changes.
But what really saved me was the people that I found myself surrounded by. I did not realize that then, but I saw it really come into effect later.
There was another group I was friends with. In hindsight, I’m like, damn, if I was closer to that friend group, I literally would have maybe become a Republican. That scares me a little bit.
how would you feel about your wife earning more than you?
I feel that if you’re in a relationship with someone, and you’re getting upset because the person you’re with—who happens to be a woman—is making more than you, then do you really support the well-being of your partner at that point?
on toxic masculinity
I never found myself necessarily following toxic masculinity, but I can think of times when I could have fallen down that pipeline. I know what it means to feel rejection. And it’s something that you deal with. It’s something that, especially, you talk about with other people.
It’s not that big of a deal. It’s not an attack on you personally. But sadly, a lot of men do interpret that as an attack on their own character.
This leads them to go down toxic masculinity pipelines because they cannot accept the fact that somebody is just not interested.
Typically the people that go down the toxic masculinity path don’t have anybody that they trust to talk about their feelings with. So they seek validation from online, and online is just full of toxic masculinity.
You just get trapped in resentment for others without realizing your own flaws. You’ll never be critical of yourself.
on privileges
I myself recognize my privileges. I think a lot of men need to realize how privileged they are. And once you recognize it, you will stop being toxic.
You will understand that if somebody’s talking about certain issues of discrimination or inequality, they’re not targeting you.
The world is not going after you. You just have to be cognizant of it.
The whole reason we’re having a heated debate about DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion) is because people don’t understand their privileges.
When people advocate for DEI, they’re not saying, Fire every white guy that exists. It’s not that being a white, straight, Christian man is going to be held against you.
In the end, you’re most likely wealthier than all the people that you’re bitching about. So you should shut the fuck up. And if you don’t recognize that, you’re insecure, and you’re just being a jerk, essentially.
how do you feel about hate towards men?
This thing about hate for men—I don’t think it really exists. It mainly exists in a situation where women dealt with things in their lives that cultivated that emotion.
But in general, hate and gender equality should definitely not be associated in any form.
Whenever someone talks about gender equality, they would never advocate for that [hate] because men are a gender.
When people are discussing gender equality, they’re really not asking for that much. They are asking for being treated with dignity and being understood.
We still live in a world dominated by patriarchy. Fucking Italy, especially.
It’s about a basic understanding of “Hey, I’m just as qualified as you; I grew up the same way as you did. I went through the same level of education as you. Why does, in the end, my gender dictate how I should be treated or how I should be understood?”
Some men just don’t take what women say seriously.
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friendships
I believe friendship is the most important thing in my life as of now. I have a very large group of friends. They are all from my hometown in Italy. It’s a lifelong friendship. At least 20 friends that are very, very close, and I can speak about everything. I really love my friends.
They are very different from me, especially the male friends. In this group, we have a five-man group. To some, my group chat can be a horror movie. We know that we have different views, like politics and everything in life. I’m left-wing; they’re mostly right-wing.
Me: Isn’t it hard to be friends with them?
We are friends not because we share the same views on politics, on the world, on university, or on stuff. I know them from high school, middle school, or kindergarten. So we have connections because we have this shared experience of growing up in a small town and being the only children there.
So we never had to fight for our political views because we were already friends.
Even if you think about this political view in a different way than me, I still love you because you are my friend. But I’m telling you that I don’t think you’re right. If you don’t believe me, it’s fine, because you’re my friend. It’s not a big deal. There are people, and you should respect them.
I always had more girlfriends than male friends.
Me: How come?
I don’t know; I think they are smarter. I always found myself very comfortable talking to them. I like a lot of “girl” stuff, like fashion.
would you be comfortable with your wife earning more than you?
Yeah, sure. I wouldn’t be ashamed of it. I want to be a professor. I don’t know how professors are paid, but not that much. Hopefully my wife will, but I don’t really care as long as we love each other.
do you think the average man cares about success?
I remember this classmate of mine in Bocconi. He was sitting in front of me, and he had a laptop wallpaper with a pyramid with success on top. I found it very cringe. You know the corporate boys. So I believe success matters, especially here [Bocconi].
on parents
I grew up in a family that was always very open. My parents are both [South East Asian country]. I think because of this duality—being [Aisan] in an Italian context—they raised me in an open environment. I was never afraid to talk to them about how I felt, what I wanted to do, or what I was afraid of.
I cried a lot with my mum. I didn’t really do that with my dad—he’s more traditionally [Asian], a bit more detached when it comes to emotions. I knew that if I needed to, I could go to him and speak freely.
My mum used to get upset about how emotionally distant he could be. She saw my Italian friends with these warm, expressive fathers—always hugging their kids, showing how proud they were—and I think she really missed that for me. She’d say, “Your dad is happy for you. He just doesn’t show it.”
And she was right. He didn’t show it the same way. But I knew. I could feel it. And for me, that was enough. Understanding him—that’s what mattered.
what do you think of toxic masculinity?
I never actually cared about it. It’s easy to see toxic masculinity.
Now on Italian TikTok, because of the Bad Bunny/Calvin Klein ad, Italian men are posting themselves with their gym bodies. There’s this competition on who has bigger muscles. I find it ridiculous.
does hate against men affect you in any way?
I empathize with women most of the time. There is toxic feminism. Most of the time, toxic men are saying everyone is a toxic feminist. It’s not that.
Women hate men because most of the time men have done something stupid or something bad. I don’t feel discouraged [by hate]. They’re not against me as an individual; it’s because all of these men are committing atrocities.
I think that hatred is okay. It’s a reaction.
Until politics brings up the discussion on gender equality and changes things on a concrete level, then maybe I’ll say, “Okay, that’s too much hate.” But for now, there is too big of a gap between the protection of men and women. Women have to raise their voices until then. I support that.